One night, a Metro police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the DUI laws. Near closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sitting in the front seat, he fumbled around with his keys for several minutes. While this was going on, everyone else in the bar came out, went to their cars and drove off. Finally, he was able to get his car started and began to pull away. Immediately, the police officer put on his red lights and stopped him. After reading him his rights the officer administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was now becoming very frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and what appeared to be a parrot.
He quietly crept over to the cage and asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence", said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot
replied, " The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "We ask each other a question, and whoever doesn't know the answer, they have to pay $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries again to get some sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the engineer's complete attention, and seeing no end to this torment unless he plays, he agrees to play the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the programmer. Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and then comes down with four legs?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all he references. He then taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends, but, to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the
engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes
the engineer and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the
engineer reaches back into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
- We'll begin with
box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese;
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find
a lone mouse, or a whole lot of mice;
but the plural of
house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of
man is always called men:
then why couldn't
the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in
the plural may be cows or kine;
but the plural of
vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a
foot, and you show me your feet;
but I give a boot-
so would a pair be called beet?
If one is a
tooth and a whole set are teeth;
why shouldn't the
plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular
is this and plural is these;
why shouldn't the
plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may
be that, and three may be those;
yet the plural of
hat would never be hose.
We speak of a brother,
and also of brethren;
but, though we say
mother, we never say methren.
The masculine
pronouns are he, his and him;
but imagine the
feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English,
I think you will all agree,
is the trickiest
language you ever did see.
I take it you
already know
of tough and bough
and cough and dough.
Others may stumble,
but not you,
on hiccough, thorough,
slough and through.
Well done!
And now you wish, perhaps
to learn of less
familiar traps?
Beware of heard,
a dreadful word;
that looks like
beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's
said like bed, not bead;
for goodness sake,
don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat
and great and threat,
(they rhyme with
suite and straight and debt).
A moth is not
a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother,
broth in brother.
And here is not
a match for there.
And dear and fear
for bear and pear.
And then there's
dose and rose and lose--
just look them up--and
goose and choose.
And cork and work
and card and ward,
And font and front
and word and sword.
And do and
go, then thwart and cart;
Come, come now,
I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language?
Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk
it when I was five.
And yet to
write it, the more I tried,
Why I hadn't learned
it at fifty-five!
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